I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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