My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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