I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
