I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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