I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
