The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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