I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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