i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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