why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize