Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
