We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
