brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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