End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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