Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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