Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
