My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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