Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
