I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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