I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
