I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
