I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
