There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize