having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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