I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
