guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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