You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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