i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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