i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
