Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
