Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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