My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
