so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
