mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm both gender and math confused
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize