He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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