My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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