update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
