I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize