Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Randomize