I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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