Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
