i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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