I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
