I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
