Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
