I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
