I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
