when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
