p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
