You smell like stripper and shame
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
