I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
