She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
