I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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