my phone needs a breathalizer
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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