I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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