im about as happy as oj after his trial
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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