I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
