i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize